Wish me luck

OK.
So after my little emo-ish outburst yesterday i have decided to make some changes.


I WILL love myself.
It may take a while but i will learn to. I am going to do this with positive re enforcement. If you feel like helping me i would very much appreciate it :) This being that every time i have a negative thought i will contradict myself with something good about myself and then one day i will love myself.


I WILL learn to apologise.
I am extremely stubborn. And if i believe i can blame it on someone else i will. If i know it was my fault i will apologise and will be graceful about it. But i am proud and stubborn and i rarely believe things are my fault. This is a HUGE fault. I am going to solve this by forcing myself to apologise even when things aren't my fault. This way my stubborn self censorship will find the right balance.


This is my plan, for how ever long it takes, until i am a good, well rounded person.
On top of this of course there is always the battle with my appearance. I will be beautiful eventually. Or i will feel beautiful eventually.


This is most likely what my blog will be about for the next few months.
Wish me luck

Self Sabotage

I realised something today.
I am a very confusing person.
in fact i am a walking contradiction.


I crave attention, yet when it's given shy away
want people to love me for me, yet try to make myself beautiful
i build things to amazing lengths, just to destroy then with my own hands
i expect someone to be able to love me, yet I'm filled will self loathing.


I get so obsessed with things in my life, I analyse every little detail and try to solve every single problem. The one problem i can not solve is myself. I have spent my life in two different phases. Trying to please everyone else, this just ends in me being unhappy because i can not make everyone else happy or give them what they need. And trying to please myself, which i can not do because to please myself i need to be happy which is something i seem completely incapable of.


Are you seeing the same pattern i am here?
Why is it i can't make myself happy? Why can i not love myself?
Surely it can't be that hard, most people can do it, it's not like rolling your tongue when only a percentage of the population can complete the task.
From being a small child i decided my life's ambition would be to live happily. Sounds simple right? Wrong!! For some unknown reason i can not be happy. I am plagued with self doubt and a feeling of worthlessness.


I have tried religion, i have tried belongings, i have tried sex and relationships and giving myself and my time to others. 


The only time i am truly happy is when i dance, because i don't have to think of anything, i can just enjoy the moment. i cannot spend my whole life dancing or exercising. Why am i like this, I'm not a perfectionist in my work, my home, my clothes or appearance, my belongings. Why do i have to be perfect in my own eyes to be able to love myself?