Wish me luck

OK.
So after my little emo-ish outburst yesterday i have decided to make some changes.


I WILL love myself.
It may take a while but i will learn to. I am going to do this with positive re enforcement. If you feel like helping me i would very much appreciate it :) This being that every time i have a negative thought i will contradict myself with something good about myself and then one day i will love myself.


I WILL learn to apologise.
I am extremely stubborn. And if i believe i can blame it on someone else i will. If i know it was my fault i will apologise and will be graceful about it. But i am proud and stubborn and i rarely believe things are my fault. This is a HUGE fault. I am going to solve this by forcing myself to apologise even when things aren't my fault. This way my stubborn self censorship will find the right balance.


This is my plan, for how ever long it takes, until i am a good, well rounded person.
On top of this of course there is always the battle with my appearance. I will be beautiful eventually. Or i will feel beautiful eventually.


This is most likely what my blog will be about for the next few months.
Wish me luck

Self Sabotage

I realised something today.
I am a very confusing person.
in fact i am a walking contradiction.


I crave attention, yet when it's given shy away
want people to love me for me, yet try to make myself beautiful
i build things to amazing lengths, just to destroy then with my own hands
i expect someone to be able to love me, yet I'm filled will self loathing.


I get so obsessed with things in my life, I analyse every little detail and try to solve every single problem. The one problem i can not solve is myself. I have spent my life in two different phases. Trying to please everyone else, this just ends in me being unhappy because i can not make everyone else happy or give them what they need. And trying to please myself, which i can not do because to please myself i need to be happy which is something i seem completely incapable of.


Are you seeing the same pattern i am here?
Why is it i can't make myself happy? Why can i not love myself?
Surely it can't be that hard, most people can do it, it's not like rolling your tongue when only a percentage of the population can complete the task.
From being a small child i decided my life's ambition would be to live happily. Sounds simple right? Wrong!! For some unknown reason i can not be happy. I am plagued with self doubt and a feeling of worthlessness.


I have tried religion, i have tried belongings, i have tried sex and relationships and giving myself and my time to others. 


The only time i am truly happy is when i dance, because i don't have to think of anything, i can just enjoy the moment. i cannot spend my whole life dancing or exercising. Why am i like this, I'm not a perfectionist in my work, my home, my clothes or appearance, my belongings. Why do i have to be perfect in my own eyes to be able to love myself?

I am FUMING!!

 OK so me and Ash broke up -  but for real this time, i've moved out a week after i'd paid him a full months rent and am now sleeping on my mum's couch, sucks right.
It gets worse.
I was speaking to Ash as we decided to stay friends and he confided in me that he thought i was only living with him for somewhere cheap to live that's nice. As if! His place is horrible and i can live cheaper in a nice room in a student house!!
If that wasn't bad enough -  we were going on holiday together with a group from uni. He pulled out obviously but said he was still going to pay. I found out a few days ago that someone else might be interested in taking his place and that if he was he wouldn't have to pay his share.
The guy was still unsure so i text him earlier to tell him he may still need to pay for it. Well that was a bad idea. He went off on one about how he shouldnt have to pay anything cause he gave up his claim when he said someone else could take his place ( not that he was planning on coming anyway) and that he was refusing to pay.
He then went on to bitch about how because my furniture is at his house ( i generally paid for half of everything and all the chest of drawers etc except the sofa- but it is in my name on finance) i should still be paying him rent!! I paid him rent at the beginning of the month as i always do but we broke up on the 7th and i moved into my mums!!
I paid him £300 and he gave me £100 back last week, that's £200 to store my furniture in a room he doesn't use for 5 weeks!!
I'm absolutely livid, who the hell does he think he is?!

Not been around for a while,

not that it makes that much difference as i have no followers but hey this is more for me than anyone else :) life's been rather busy recently with uni trying to get the house sorted and starting my second job. so now i work at man city, yes i know i don't care much for football but the money's good the people are lovely and its an easy job, of course i still work at dfh as its a more challenging job plus i get to learn something each time i go in so i'm not too fussed. the house still isn't done because we've been waiting for the builder to come back and get rid of the mould that's in our utility room, spreading to our kitchen, he was supposed to come today but got way layed again!! so they're being very annoying and the flooring in the back room is still ridiculous i hate the flooring guy, i think he's lazy and apparently he's a professional floor fitter but i could've done a better job it one hand - idiot. thankfully somethings have been done - we have a post box (the least important thing of all) and the alarm has finally been fitted which is good but there's still a lot wrong with the place and it's still very frustrating trying to make it feel homey, when jobs still need completing!! Grrr

However, on a much better note, uni has finished for summer, i know have four months to work full time, go to czech on holiday and have relaxing days off in the sun with a good book, i really hope we have a good old fashioned british summer where's its gorgeously sunny with a lovely breeze and you just want to be outside all day, life is good today, i've mot felt this good for a long time, i love it, i want to feel like this always -  i have to :)

Tuesday's food journal

Weight; 140
Eaten;
coffee x3
small bowl of cereal

Disaster

Ash just broke up with me,

and as you would expect, I’m devastated. I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest, the most amusing thing however is that after he told me he wanted to split up and I’d called my mum, I was waiting for her to come and pick me up and we were sat together in the front room, it didn't matter that he'd just broken my heart into pieces, we sat together in a comfortable silence waiting for the knock at the door. I couldn't help but sit and laugh, I had an aching chasm inside my chest, the guy that caused it was sat next to me and because I still love him more than anything, I can sit there in a comfortable relaxed silence...

Sunday's food journal

Homemeade burger
cup of coffee

Estate agents...

Does anyone else find estate agents are the most frustrating people in the world?

I myself like to get things done rather quickly, I don’t rush, I do things properly but I do them as fast as I can so then it’s done and out of the way, especially if it’s something I’m doing for someone else.

Estate agents quite clearly do not have this personality trait. I moved into my current house on the 10th March 2010. It is a terrace house with an alley at the back, this alley has been gated and made into a communal area which I absolutely love, however this alley is the only way to put the rubbish bin out to be collected, and we are still waiting on a key for the alley gate!!

This, for us, means we either do not put our bin out (ewww gross!) or we have to drag the smelly big black rubbish bin through our house, down the steps at the front door and round the corner of the street to the side of the alley for the bin men to collect.

I ring the estate agents on a bi-daily basis to ask what is happening with the key, and every time I call I am told they are still waiting on the council to send it to them, this is the same council who I rang to tell them we had no bin and who then sent out the black bin plastic and paper bins within two days. Some how I don’t quite believe the estate agent.

Yes I agree councils can be very very slow, but they have proven to me that when it comes to waste management, they are very fast, so why pray tell, has my key not yet been received by the estate agents? Most probably because they haven’t ordered it!!

If you know any estate agents, please tell them to get a new job, if you are becoming one, quit and become a shop assistant, people won’t hate you as much.

Monday's food journal

Weight: 148
Eaten:
prebiotic drink
skinny ploughmans sandwitch 264 cal
double decker chocolate bar

Sunday's food journal

Weight: 147
Eaten;
x2 fruit salad
homemade potato wedges
steak and vegetables

Summer Work Clothes

Well, I work in an office all year round but it gets rather silly, we don't have air conditioning so in the winter it's really cold and in the summer its ridiculous boiling hot.

Now last summer I suffered miserably during the summer because I couldn't figure out what to wear to the office without coming across as a little whore. It gets so hot that I want to sit there in my lovely holiday dresses so I’m not sweating like a dog, but I get funny looks as it's a reasonably posh office.

City shorts aren't really something I can pull off as I still weigh far more than I used to, plus it’s that warm that your legs stick together.

I'm definitely a dress girl when it comes to summer but I can't find a smart work dress in a fabric that won't roast me like a chicken. I keep thinking that I’ll just make one but I always end up too busy, any ideas ladies?

Thursday's food journal

Weight: 148
Eaten:
x2 90cal pancakes
x2 small bananas
1 natural yoghurt with mango compote
small portion of veg bolognase with rice

Wednesday's food journal

Weight: 148
Eaten:
Egg sandwich
Clementine x4
Tuna sweetcorn salad
Diet Cloudy lemonade

:) Fingers crossed tomorrow i'll weigh less... all those drinks on Sat did me no good!!

Acessories..

Don’t usually pay much attention to accessories but for some strange reason this month I just can't seem to get enough of them.


Like any truly girly girl there's just something about shiny, pretty, feminine objects that just makes me smile inside. Now as a student I really don't have that much money but its loan season and as I’d just been wandering around Manchester indulging in another of my addictions, the ever enticing shoe shop, I realised that as I am actually going on holiday this year I could do with a few jewellery staples for my week in the sun.



As I wandered in and out of accessorize and river island I was really disappointed, I wanted something to jump out at me, convince me that it would go with my wardrobe and fit in with anything that I’d make. And on my way across the busy concourse to next something finally did - to my immense surprise it was in Wallis.

Wallis, the place I take my mum to do her Christmas party shopping or were I buy my good quality pants for work.

Still despite all this I went in and found everything that I had been looking for, minimal but colourful and very classy.

Now I’m aware they may not be to everybody's taste but I LOVED them!!

And across in trust old next a more modern, young version but the same thing again, charm pendants and earrings made from beads, this is the stuff I love, that I’ve made all my life that I’ve been waiting for people to sell so I don’t have to cut my fingers every time I want a new piece of jewellery!!

If that wasn't enough to make my day, I then went on to a friend’s blog -

She had written about an online store sugar&vice, I have to agree with her that is some of the most beautiful one of quirky jewellery I’ve seen, then scanning more blogs I found somewhere here who again has more beautiful accessories :D

I'm in HEAVEN!!!

Decision time :)

Ok, so this site is mainly about my weight, no one is really gonna wana follow it, and that's all good with me, but i've made a decision. This is also gonna be a whole load of ramblings about me and my life too, nothing too interesting just my thoughts and feelings on manchester, it's shops, it's night life and the clothes which i buy and or make :)

Tuesday's Food journal

Weight: 148
Eaten:
pear
chinese tea
pasta with peas and mushrooms
half chicken sanwitch
chocolate muffin

I'm stuffed!! I have fruit in my bag incase i get hungry during cheer, but i'm not loosing anymore weight, i know it's cause i'm still eating too much but i eat when i'm bored, how'd i break the habit???

Monday's food journal

Weight: 148
eaten:
scrambled eggs
chinese tea
homemade curry
fruit
homemade potato wedges

Sunday food journal

weight: 148
eaten:
carrot soup
homemade curry
coffee

Saturday food journal

Weight: 147
eaten:
kiwi fruit
cereal bar
burger and chips

friday food journal

weight: 148
eaten:
sandwich
two pears
cereal bar
chicken salad

Today's Food Journal

Weight: 150
Eaten:

• Two pears
• Noodles with two tomatoes and one carrot
• Coffee with skimmed milk
• Chinese health tea
• Freddo Chocolate

A day in life

Hey,
so as you may have guessed, I'm obsessed with my weight, it disgusts me, this blog is just going to be a place for me to post my daily food journals and complain about my weight without it annoying any of my friends of family. I'm no a new must loose weight stint and I'm hoping that this time it will actually work!! i want to get down to a lovely 126 lbs or 9 stone for July this year when i go on holiday, I'm currently 150!! So feel free to keep track of my progress and shout at me when i veer off course.
Much love
Hannah