Wish me luck

OK.
So after my little emo-ish outburst yesterday i have decided to make some changes.


I WILL love myself.
It may take a while but i will learn to. I am going to do this with positive re enforcement. If you feel like helping me i would very much appreciate it :) This being that every time i have a negative thought i will contradict myself with something good about myself and then one day i will love myself.


I WILL learn to apologise.
I am extremely stubborn. And if i believe i can blame it on someone else i will. If i know it was my fault i will apologise and will be graceful about it. But i am proud and stubborn and i rarely believe things are my fault. This is a HUGE fault. I am going to solve this by forcing myself to apologise even when things aren't my fault. This way my stubborn self censorship will find the right balance.


This is my plan, for how ever long it takes, until i am a good, well rounded person.
On top of this of course there is always the battle with my appearance. I will be beautiful eventually. Or i will feel beautiful eventually.


This is most likely what my blog will be about for the next few months.
Wish me luck

Self Sabotage

I realised something today.
I am a very confusing person.
in fact i am a walking contradiction.


I crave attention, yet when it's given shy away
want people to love me for me, yet try to make myself beautiful
i build things to amazing lengths, just to destroy then with my own hands
i expect someone to be able to love me, yet I'm filled will self loathing.


I get so obsessed with things in my life, I analyse every little detail and try to solve every single problem. The one problem i can not solve is myself. I have spent my life in two different phases. Trying to please everyone else, this just ends in me being unhappy because i can not make everyone else happy or give them what they need. And trying to please myself, which i can not do because to please myself i need to be happy which is something i seem completely incapable of.


Are you seeing the same pattern i am here?
Why is it i can't make myself happy? Why can i not love myself?
Surely it can't be that hard, most people can do it, it's not like rolling your tongue when only a percentage of the population can complete the task.
From being a small child i decided my life's ambition would be to live happily. Sounds simple right? Wrong!! For some unknown reason i can not be happy. I am plagued with self doubt and a feeling of worthlessness.


I have tried religion, i have tried belongings, i have tried sex and relationships and giving myself and my time to others. 


The only time i am truly happy is when i dance, because i don't have to think of anything, i can just enjoy the moment. i cannot spend my whole life dancing or exercising. Why am i like this, I'm not a perfectionist in my work, my home, my clothes or appearance, my belongings. Why do i have to be perfect in my own eyes to be able to love myself?

I am FUMING!!

 OK so me and Ash broke up -  but for real this time, i've moved out a week after i'd paid him a full months rent and am now sleeping on my mum's couch, sucks right.
It gets worse.
I was speaking to Ash as we decided to stay friends and he confided in me that he thought i was only living with him for somewhere cheap to live that's nice. As if! His place is horrible and i can live cheaper in a nice room in a student house!!
If that wasn't bad enough -  we were going on holiday together with a group from uni. He pulled out obviously but said he was still going to pay. I found out a few days ago that someone else might be interested in taking his place and that if he was he wouldn't have to pay his share.
The guy was still unsure so i text him earlier to tell him he may still need to pay for it. Well that was a bad idea. He went off on one about how he shouldnt have to pay anything cause he gave up his claim when he said someone else could take his place ( not that he was planning on coming anyway) and that he was refusing to pay.
He then went on to bitch about how because my furniture is at his house ( i generally paid for half of everything and all the chest of drawers etc except the sofa- but it is in my name on finance) i should still be paying him rent!! I paid him rent at the beginning of the month as i always do but we broke up on the 7th and i moved into my mums!!
I paid him £300 and he gave me £100 back last week, that's £200 to store my furniture in a room he doesn't use for 5 weeks!!
I'm absolutely livid, who the hell does he think he is?!

Not been around for a while,

not that it makes that much difference as i have no followers but hey this is more for me than anyone else :) life's been rather busy recently with uni trying to get the house sorted and starting my second job. so now i work at man city, yes i know i don't care much for football but the money's good the people are lovely and its an easy job, of course i still work at dfh as its a more challenging job plus i get to learn something each time i go in so i'm not too fussed. the house still isn't done because we've been waiting for the builder to come back and get rid of the mould that's in our utility room, spreading to our kitchen, he was supposed to come today but got way layed again!! so they're being very annoying and the flooring in the back room is still ridiculous i hate the flooring guy, i think he's lazy and apparently he's a professional floor fitter but i could've done a better job it one hand - idiot. thankfully somethings have been done - we have a post box (the least important thing of all) and the alarm has finally been fitted which is good but there's still a lot wrong with the place and it's still very frustrating trying to make it feel homey, when jobs still need completing!! Grrr

However, on a much better note, uni has finished for summer, i know have four months to work full time, go to czech on holiday and have relaxing days off in the sun with a good book, i really hope we have a good old fashioned british summer where's its gorgeously sunny with a lovely breeze and you just want to be outside all day, life is good today, i've mot felt this good for a long time, i love it, i want to feel like this always -  i have to :)